Goodbye before Hello
by canaussie
Summary: Deeks final op with LAPD leaves Kensi on a downward spiral. One shot. Sometimes you just need to write what you know to get back into the swing of things... Hoping this is my return to fanfiction after several long months of silence. Not fluffy enough for More Than Words, but otherwise belongs there.


Deeks had been undercover for two weeks, and Kensi was rapidly realising she was a lot more reliant on him than she wanted to admit. She was relieved beyond words that this was his last hurrah for LAPD before he officially became an NCIS agent. The previous month had been a whirlwind as Deeks proposed, applied for and completed FLETC, and notified LAPD that he would be leaving. Bates begged him to take this final operation, low risk but needing someone to pose as a lawyer. Deeks reluctantly agreed, hoping it would be over quickly. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case - and Kensi began to go downhill quickly as it dragged on.

A particularly stressful case took its toll during week three. Kensi found herself stressed to the point that she became ill. She started vomiting whenever her stress levels rose. Hetty put her on desk duty as her weight dropped. She was listless at work, her fire and energy gone. At home, she watched Titanic on the couch with Monty, often forgetting to eat dinner. She stopped going out for drinks with the team.

As as week four rolled around, Eric and Nell couldn't take it any more. Hetty had tried to strong arm LAPD into releasing details on Deeks' operation and failed, so Eric and Nell hacked their system and uncovered what they could. Deeks was safe, and likely bored out of his mind as his operation was low risk and dragging on. They gave Kensi as much information as they could, reassuring her that he was safe, without giving her his location. They knew it would be impossible to keep her away from him if she knew where he was. She was in a slightly better mood for the remainder of the day - but when she returned to the empty apartment again that evening, she burst into tears.

The same evening, Eric took matters into his own hands. He sent a message to Deeks' undercover phone, one line - _Your fern is sick, what do we do with it?_ An hour later, the burn phone he had pulled from an old case buzzed with a single text. He grabbed Nell, and they rushed to the bar indicated in the message.

When they arrived they hoped to see Deeks, but instead were handed a small package by the bartender. One envelope addressed to "The Wonder Twins" and one addressed to "Wonder Woman." When they got back to the car, Nell tore into the envelope for her and Eric. Deeks had listed a number of things they could try to snap Kensi out of her funk, and told them to contact him if things didn't get better soon - he would break cover if she needed him.

The next morning they watched as Kensi's face lit up at the package on her desk. She tore into it hungrily, examining every piece of paper thoroughly. Satisfied, they decided to give her some privacy. Her improved mood lasted for several days, but she was still just a shell of herself. Then they got news that Deeks' operation had been extended. Once again, she spiralled downwards and had to be confined to her desk. Granger asked Hetty to put her on leave, but she refused, knowing that at least if Kensi was on desk duty she would report in for work and not be completely isolated.

Her friends tried everything on Deeks' list, but had limited success. She passed on ice cream and beer, and while she occasionally scarfed down the twinkies they offered, the smile was short lived.

By week seven, Kensi didn't even have the energy to turn on her well worn movie when she got home. She flopped straight onto the couch, Monty curling up next to her. Nell and Eric stopped by occasionally, bringing food, and often taking Monty for a long walk then cleaning the apartment. Tonight, Eric decided to take Monty to the beach, leaving Nell to try to talk to Kensi. Mostly she got shrugs or one word responses.

"Kensi, Deeks wouldn't want this for you. He's going to come home, and he's going to kill us all when he sees how much weight you've lost. I know it's taking a long time, but he is coming back." She encouraged. Kensi shrugged. Nell finally sat right in front of her, lifted Kensi's chin to draw her eyes upwards and saw the unshed tears glistening in Kensi's eyes. "Kensi, what can we do to help you?" The tears spilled over and Kensi started to cry quietly. She whispered so softly Nell could barely hear her.

"I think I'm pregnant." Nell's jaw dropped at the revelation, but she quickly recovered and wrapped her arms around her friend in a tight hug.

"Congratulations! Deeks is going to be so excited!" She said quietly. Kensi continued to cry, but began to pour out her heart.

"I can't even tell him. He needs to hear it in person, not just a message... And he'd break cover if I told him... I can't risk him getting hurt. But I... I wanted him here for this. I need him here, I don't know how to do this... And it's supposed to be happy but all I feel is scared." Kensi cried. Nell stroked her hair gently, and held her until the tears stopped. And once they did, she helped Kensi wipe her face, and then sat down in front of her again.

"I get it. You're allowed to be sad and scared and angry. But you need to start taking care of yourself, now." Nell told her firmly. "You aren't going back in the field. You need to start eating and sleeping. And if you don't... I'm going to have to call in reinforcements." She continued. Kensi nodded reluctantly. "But you aren't alone. I know you want Deeks, but you've got us. If you don't want to tell the team, you don't have to yet... But you do need to let us take care of you. Got it?" Again, Kensi nodded, and tears started to well up in her eyes again. Nell wrapped her in another hug, and that's how Eric found them. Kensi reassured Eric and Nell she would be ok tonight, and nodded when Nell reminded her she had promised to look after herself. Eric raised an eyebrow, but Nell shook her head. It wasn't her story to tell, and she was sure Deeks would want the honour of telling him when he got back.

For the next three weeks, Kensi remained depressed and quiet, but took care of herself as Nell ordered. Her coffee was switched out for tea, and she ate small meals at least five times a day. Healthy snacks appeared on her desk multiple times a day, courtesy of her teammates, and Hetty quickly discovered what teas calmed the stressed woman. Nell refused to disclose what she and Kensi discussed, but that didn't stop everyone from following her orders when she said Kensi needed to be kept fed.

They got notice that Deeks was finally making progress with his op, and should be home in the next month. Nell showed up at Kensi's that evening with the good news, and a bottle of non alcoholic champagne. For the first time in ages, her face lit up and she grinned. She and Nell made plans to go shopping to buy Deeks a welcome home present... And to buy Kensi the new clothes she would soon need. It wouldn't be long before she could no longer hide her tiny bump - her recent weight loss only made it more pronounced.

That weekend was the first time Kensi truly enjoyed herself since Deeks left. They went out for breakfast, and Kensi was pleasantly surprised that for the first time in ages her food stayed down easily. Afterwards, they headed to a baby store and carefully selected a onesie that had "My Daddy Rocks" printed across the front. Then they headed to the maternity section, and spent time giggling and flipping through clothes. Nell snapped a few photos as Kensi tried them on, showing off her tiny bump for the first time. As Kensi's energy waned, Nell packed everything up and escorted her home. She shooed Kensi off to bed for a nap, and took over the kitchen to make sure Kensi's fridge would be well stocked.

* * *

Two days later, Nell received the alert she was waiting for. Deeks was wrapping up, and would be home by next week. She ran down to tell Kensi but was surprised to see she wasn't there. She went by Hetty's desk to inform her of the news and to ask about Kensi. When informed that Kensi had called in sick for the day, Nell paled and dropped the tea in her hand, running for the door.

Kensi had hoped that the worst of the nausea was over. She hadn't been sick since before breakfast with Nell, but it was back with full force this morning. She swatted her alarm a few times before sitting up. A stabbing pain shot across her abdomen, and she groaned. She grabbed her phone and messaged Hetty that she was staying home sick, then crashed back on her bed and fell asleep.

An hour or two later she woke feeling worse. She dragged herself out of bed and headed for the washroom, holding on to the wall to steady herself against the dizzy spells. It took several minutes for her to realise she was bleeding. Without thinking she dragged herself to the shower, and the moment the water hit her, she sank to the floor and started to cry.

That was where Nell found her, an hour later. The water had long since run cold, but Kensi hadn't noticed. She was oblivious to her friend's arrival until Nell turned off the water and began to wrap Kensi in towels.

"Deeks will be home by next week." She whispered, hoping and praying the news would break Kensi out of her sobs. Kensi just shook her head and cried harder. Nell felt deflated. She had hoped that somehow, things would be ok. Looking at Kensi, she knew that it wouldn't.

Nell's phone began to ring. She answered it quietly, but didn't leave. She reassured Hetty that she had made it to Kensi's and would not be returning to work today, then hung up.

"Kensi, what can I do?" Nell asked quietly. Kensi just shook her head.

"Nothing. It's too late. No one can do anything." She sobbed. Nell began to cry with her. As Kensi regained her composure, Nell helped her up and took her back to her room.

"Lets get you dressed, and then back to bed." Nell whispered gently, turning to grab Kensi's much loved LAPD tshirt and a pair of pyjama pants. She turned back to find Kensi crumpled, unconscious, on the floor.

* * *

Kensi woke up in a hospital bed and groaned. An IV bag hung next to her, replenishing fluid and electrolytes. A second one held blood. Nell sat next to her, holding her hand. When their eyes met, Kensi could see that she had been crying.

"I am so, so sorry..." Nell began to say. Kensi just shook her head.

"I know. Don't say it. I know." Kensi whispered. Nell nodded, squeezing her hand. Kensi picked up the call button and pushed it, knowing they would want to know she was awake.

* * *

Deeks was so relieved to be done with his op, and with LAPD. He couldn't wait to get home and see Kensi - Eric had occasionally sent him cryptic updates and he had been worried. He needed to see her, reassure her, and take care of her. He bounded up to the door with a grin on his face, unable to contain the excitement at seeing his fiancée and his dog. He threw the door open, expecting her to be in bed asleep - a quick call to Eric had let him know Kensi was home sick and Nell was with her. He was puzzled to find no one there. The place was far tidier than he had expected, but there was a pile of damp towels at the end of the bed. He took another look around, looking for a clue as to where they might be. Beside the bed on the nightstand, he found a small wrapped package with his name on it. He shook it, then decided it might tell him where they were and carefully opened it. His face lit up when he opened it, and he couldn't help the excited shout he let out. Full of renewed energy, he grabbed his phone when it started to ring.

"Go for Deeks, future Daddy!" He exclaimed gleefully. There was a pause at the other end.

"Mr. Deeks, I am sorry. Miss Jones has just informed me that she and Ms. Blye are at Cedars Sinai. Someone will be at your place shortly to escort you there."

"What happened? I mean, are they ok? Is it Kensi or Nell? What's going on Hetty?" Deeks asked frantically.

"I'm sorry Mr. Deeks, I believe you may know more than I do at this point." Hetty said with a sigh. If she had heard him correctly, he had announced he was going to be a father... And she sincerely hoped that was still the case, despite the sinking feeling in her gut.

Moments later, Eric turned onto Kensi's street. He didn't even have a chance to stop the car before Deeks was in and asking questions. Deeks still clutched the tiny onesie in his hand, seemingly unaware of it now. Eric caught a glimpse of it, and everything from the past few months fell into place. It explained Kensi being ill, it explained Nell suddenly being overprotective... And it explained why Nell flew out of Hetty's office like a bat out of hell when she heard that Kensi was sick.

"I'm sorry I didn't have the whole story when we talked earlier. All I knew was that Nell flew out of the building this morning when Hetty told her Kensi was home sick. She hasn't been herself, and she's lost a lot of weight so we didn't think anything of it... But then Hetty received the call from Nell that she had to take Kensi to the hospital. It made more sense to just come get you than to send a text..." Eric trailed off.

"It's ok Beale. Not your fault. I just need to see her, now." Deeks said. He was antsy and fidgeting, and he knew the only reason he was letting Eric drive was because he wouldn't be able to focus on the road. "Is there any way we can get there any faster?" He asked.

"I've got the traffic light override, but short of sirens we aren't going to get there any quicker. I'm sorry." Eric said. "I wish I had something else to say."

"It's ok. Just... Catch me up. How sick has she been? And why didn't you guys tell me it was this bad?"

"Honestly, it wasn't. Yesterday she actually seemed great. Saturday she and Nell spent the day shopping. I mean, she was obviously missing you and worried. She wasn't eating much or taking care of herself. Hetty put her on desk duty and we tried to cheer her up, but I thought she just really missed you and things would be fine when you got back." Eric rambled on. "And even though we wanted to tell you... Hetty and Bates got into it a few times. Kensi herself didn't want us to tell you because she didn't want you to compromise your op. Figured it would get you home faster if we just let you do your thing."

Deeks ran his hand through his hair and suddenly remembered the onesie he was still clutching like a lifeline.

"Oh God. She was sick, but didn't want me to worry. She knew it would get better... And it was a good thing..." He said, staring at the word Daddy. "Did you know about this?" He asked brokenly. "Is she pregnant?" Eric was silent for a minute.

"I don't know, Deeks. But it makes sense. She and Nell had a big heart to heart one night and after that Nell bullied everyone into feeding Kensi constantly even though she was sick. Kensi started actually sleeping after that, and it seemed like she was less miserable... But no, I didn't know. Didn't even suspect until I saw you holding that. But it makes sense. Probably why they felt the need to go on a shopping trip." He mused.

* * *

Nell held Kensi's hand as the doctor explained what had happened. He inquired about what prenatal care she'd had, and she admitted she was waiting for her fiancé to return before seeing the doctor. Fortunately the doctor was gentle instead of judgemental.

"There was nothing you could have done to prevent this. It wasn't your fault, and I am so, so sorry for your loss." She said when the medical explanation was complete. Pamphlets on miscarriage and available support services were handed to Nell, and then the doctor left. Kensi turned onto her side, back to the door, and tried to tune out the world and the pain it held.

Nell took the opportunity to message Hetty with an update, simply stating Kensi had been admitted to hospital and would be there for at least a few days. She still had not disclosed Kensi's pregnancy to anyone, and would not be sharing her loss unless asked by Kensi herself. Time seemed to pass painfully slowly, but Nell refused to leave Kensi's side. She knew her friend was awake, but not yet ready to talk. Her phone buzzed several times, and Nell scrolled through the messages. Deeks was back, and Eric had sent her to Kensi's place. She let out a quiet groan... The timing was awful. She fired off another message to Hetty, who quickly reassured her she would sort things out. A few minutes later, she was advised that Eric was bringing him to the hospital. Nell took a deep breath, and then spoke.

"Kensi, are you up for some company? Deeks just finished and Hetty has Eric bringing him here. He's dying to see you." Nell asked gently. Kensi's eyes widened with fear and she shook her head, beginning to cry.

"No. He can't see me. I can't face him, not right now... oh God, what do I even... What do I tell him... He's going to hate me... No. He can't, Nell. I can't see him." Kensi's voice began to rise as she choked on her words, panicking.

"Kensi, he just needs to see you're ok. Everything else can wait. He needs to see you and touch you. Deeks loves you." Nell reminded her gently. "If you want, I can talk to him for you... But I don't think even Hetty could keep him away from you right now."

It felt like just seconds later that Deeks rushed through the door and then froze, seeing the woman he loved in a hospital bed. She was thinner than she had been before - far too thin for her height. Her hair was a mess, and tears stained her cheeks. IV lines were still attached to her wrist - but she was alive and right now that was all he needed. Slowly he approached her, until she reached out her hand, then he quickly crawled into the bed beside her and wrapped himself around her. Once again, she began to sob, but this time he was there to hold her.

Eric trailed in a few minutes later, standing at the door until Nell stood and joined him. In his hand he held the tiny piece of baby clothing that Deeks had left in the car. Nell just shook her head, answering the question he didn't dare ask. He reached for her hand, and the two of them stood silently together in the hall, allowing Kensi and Deeks some privacy to mourn the loss of their child.


End file.
